Monthly Archives: February 2015

What Weathermen Want to Say

Google images

Google images

Here’s a comparison of what weathermen actually say (in bold type) compared with what they want to say (in italics):

“There’s a cold front approaching from the west.”

“I hope it will be cold enough to issue frostbite warnings so I can interview victims.”

“Snow is coming. We’re predicting anywhere from 1 to 2 inches between midnight and the morning rush.”

“Dang it. If only we were expecting a massive dump that paralyzed traffic and closed down airports, schools, and gymnasiums…”

“Although it’s not raining yet, as a precaution you can see I’m wearing a raincoat. And even though I’m standing perfectly still, the wind is strong enough to sway my hoodie tassels.”

“I really wish I was standing in surging floodwaters in front of whipping traffic lights and horizontal palm trees. I’d rather be clinging to a stop sign to avoid being blown away, showing how dedicated I am to keeping the viewers at home alive.”

“Watch for black ice on the roads this evening.”

“Watch for a massive pileup of 55 vehicles on the turnpike because of black ice this evening.”

“Tomorrow temperatures will be normal for this time of year.”

“Tomorrow temperatures will start in the high 70s and drop to subzero by evening. At 9:30 PM the earth will crack in half.”

“One of our computer models shows that inclement weather is possible.”

“Please please please! We need the ratings!”

“As you can see behind me, the snowplows are pushing the ice and snow off Krumley Street.”

“Maybe there will be a surprising live accident behind me so I can go viral and become an Internet superstar.

“Looking at our Doppler images, we see high pressure gradually moving off the coast.”

“New Jersey will be submerged.”

“Well, our predictions for yesterday didn’t pan out as badly as we originally thought. Thank goodness!”

“Well, our predictions for yesterday didn’t pan out as badly as we originally thought. RATS!”

“Tonight we’ll see a starlit sky with a full moon.”

“Tonight we’ll see a star hit the full moon with a massive explosion visible from Toledo and outlying areas.”

“A flurry or two.”

“A freezing Siberian arctic polar blasting whirlpooling blizzard puree.”


“Temps in the upper millions.”


“Hoard snorkels.”


“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”


“Hide your heads and pets under rugs.”


“Floating houses.”


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Chasing Salt

Google images;

Google images

“Where can I find Epsom Salt?” asked a customer.

I was working part-time as a pharmacy cashier.

“I’ll take you there,” I said. “It’s probably in the sun-care aisle.”


“Yes. Suntan lotion relates to beaches, beaches have oceans, oceans have salt, so that’s where you’d find Epstein Salt.”

“Epsom Salt’s for bunions, not beaches.”

“Well, if you can’t get to the ocean, bring the ocean to you!” I quipped.

I found the sun-care items. Epsom Salt wasn’t there.

“Maybe the picnic area,” I said. “I mean, what’s watermelon without salt! We probably have salt there!”

The man obediently followed me to the picnic area.

No Epsom Salt.

“I’ll call the manager.” I walked to the counter and picked up the microphone. My voice reverberated across the pharmacy. “Hello? Is this the right button? Um, is this on? Okay. Wanda to the front please. Location of Absent Salt needed immediately!” I hung up with a loud clatter.

I waited for Wanda. The man stood at the end of the aisle looking at me. “Wanda will be right here,” I told him. “She’s a whiz at knowing where stuff is when it’s not here.”

Wanda didn’t show.

“Wanda’s not showing,” I told the customer. “She’s probably at the dumpster. I’ll go to the secret employees-only room to see if I can find some Pepsi Salt among our overflow junk. Incidentally, what does it look like?”

“It’s in a bag, box, carton, or another kind of packaging.”

“Do you know what color it is?”


“Okay. Wait here. Who knows. Maybe Magic Wanda will soon appear!”

I went to the back room but forgot the passcode, so I couldn’t get through the employees-only door. Luckily there was a store phone on the wall so I made another echoey announcement: “Wanda, secret passcode to the debris room, stat!” I hung up, then immediately picked it up again: “Never mind, Wanda, I just found the passcode in my sock!”

I spent eleven minutes looking at stockroom stuff, but I didn’t know what I was looking for. When I couldn’t find it, I walked back to the front of the store.

The customer was gone. My coworker Brittany was there, however. “You’re too slow, you talk too much, you have to ring up customers faster, stock shelves faster, find products faster, update prices faster, and restock products in your spare time.”

“I was looking for Road Salt for that guy.”

“He wanted Epsom Salt magnesium sulfate soaking aid, aisle 13, foot-care end-cap near the diapers. Store brand with coupon is $43.92 for the 50-pound bag.”

I quit working at the pharmacy a week later because I developed a bunion.

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