Something’s wrong. I used to think it was just coincidence, but now I suspect it’s something more sinister. More ominous. More supernatural. More evil. It’s the condition known as “twist-tie loss.”
The syndrome is subtle. It may occur during a period of years before the victim even realizes what’s happening. And when awareness finally hits, it may already be too late.
I first noticed twist-tie loss syndrome in my life years ago, but I laughed it off, chalking it up to absent-mindedness, being too busy, or “better things on my mind than keeping track of bread-bag twist ties.” As the years passed, however, I realized that every single little twist tie I’d ever removed from a bread bag was not locatable when I wanted to put the bread away. I became convinced that I was not just misplacing the ties; I wondered if they were moving by themselves when I wasn’t looking. Did they have a wiry intelligence that I couldn’t discern? Did they have teeny invisible centipede legs, and did they scurry away as soon as I turned my head? Were they laughing and mocking me behind my back?
Most of the time those elusive ties reappeared later. Sometimes under a napkin. Other times hidden near a tupperware lid. Once I found one in the refrigerator.
Not only did twist ties move when I wasn’t looking, but plastic bread clips did too. They’d end up on the floor, on an opposite counter, and sometimes even on the sink or stovetop!
It was uncanny. Unnerving. Disturbing. Frightening. Chilling. Haunting. Horrifying. Bothersome, annoying.
Eventually I began asking my friends if they’d ever experienced anything similar to twist-tie loss syndrome. One placed his hand to my forehead to check for fever. Another recommended a good psychiatrist.
Since that time I have kept my twist-tie loss syndrome to myself. Sometimes I tie a knot in the open plastic end of the bread bag because the tie is missing. Lately, if I happen to lose a tie when someone else is in the kitchen, I don’t mention it. I hide my condition in frustration and shame.
I was at the dollar store two weeks ago and I bought 100 extra twist ties in a baggie. For a dollar. I brought them home and lost them.
Yesterday a flying saucer landed on my porch. An alien exited and said, “Take me to your twist ties.”