Monthly Archives: May 2015

Elect Me as Your Dog Chaser

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Google images:

Blackie is a big dog. He’s black. He ran away.

“Where’s Blackie?” I asked the family.

“We don’t know! He was tied up outside and now he’s gone!”

I looked out the back window and saw Blackie running through the field across the street behind our house, dragging his leash behind him. “I’ll get him!” I screamed.

“Go get him,” screamed my family.

“That’s what I just screamed!” I screamed.

I shoved my stocking feet into my Tweetie Bird slippers and ran out the back door. “Blackie, Blackie!” I screamed as I ran across the street. Blackie was an untrained old dog, who did not listen to his name. “Blackie, Blackie, here boy, come here you cute little maniac!”

Blackie was interested in sniffing. But when he heard me approaching, he ran. I chased him. He first ran to the left. I followed. He stopped and sniffed the grass. When I closed in, he took off again and circled around to the right. I followed. He stopped to nuzzle a dirt clod. I crept up stealthily this time, determined to stomp on his leash quickly to prevent his escape. But he heard me and ran again when I drew near. I chased him. Toward the street. Away from the street. Around a bunch of gnarled trees. Through a creek. Under a fence. Over a rock.

Everywhere that Blackie went, I was sure to go. Running behind him, back, forth, forth, back, the dragging leash always just out of my reach. Some barbed wire ripped Tweetie’s head from my right slipper.

As I huffed and puffed through the field, I wished I had a raw steak or a dead squirrel to hit him with.

Again to the right. Again to the left. This way that way. Blackie was muddy. I was muddy. Blackie loved it. I was livid.

Finally I tripped over a stump and went home. My family crowded around me at the door. “Dad, why didn’t you get him? He’s still running through the field! Look at him! He’ll run into a car and damage it! Go get him, Dad! Hurry up!”

“You get him!” I growled as I kicked off my muddy, tattered Tweeties. “You kids wanted a dog, but your mom and I always have to take care of him. As far as I’m concerned, he can stay in the field until his mange symptoms recur.”

My son went out and got him.

Later that evening I was removing chiggers and ticks from my scratched legs. The poison ivy was already spreading from my ankles to the backs of my knees. Then my wife walked in the room.

“Hey, Blair!” she laughed, “The neighbors posted a YouTube video of you running back and forth through the field chasing Blackie! Take a look! It’s a scream!”

I didn’t look, but I did scream.


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Filed under Family, Happy to help, Humor, Interpersonal conflicts, Life challenges, You're not alone!

Whoa, What a Warranty!

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Google images:

Did you ever read one of those warranties that pops up on your computer when you want to upload a new program? Of course not. Who does? Nobody. Well I did, and here’s what I found:

BOOPSIE, INC. License Agreement for your lame laptop.

Please read this software license agreement (“license”) carefully before using the Boopsie software. If you don’t, we will know about it. As you know, we are watching your every move. See that little green camera light at the top of your laptop screen? That’s us. We have eyes everywhere. We see you when you’re sleeping. We know when you’re awake. We know if you’ve been bad or good, so don’t even think about eating that grape from the produce section at Food Fiesta without paying for it.

So what do you want to know about this software? To be honest, you don’t need to know anything, but we just need to include a whole bunch of fine print in this AGREEMENT that will overwhelm you so you’ll never READ it. You’re so trusting. That’s what we depend on. You can’t possibly know what this AGREEMENT means, and even if you did read it, you wouldn’t understand the confusing legal TERMINOLOGY, so don’t worry about it, just agree to it and input your CREDIT CARD INFORMATION so we can overcharge you on a monthly basis.

So what else? We’ll add something here about PRIVACY, because everyone worries about THAT, or at least you used to worry about it before you realized that nothing’s PRIVATE anymore anyway, so we’ll now tell you that your PRIVACY is SECURE, which as everyone knows is a JOKE.

If you agree to these terms, click “AGREE.” If you disagree with these terms, go ahead and click “AGREE” anyway, so we can put some irritating blue-bar dialog box on your screen for half a day, which makes you think you’re uploading something for the $150.00 you’re about to PAY if you would just hurry up and put in your CREDIT CARD INFORMATION RIGHT AWAY before you think about it too long and decide not to PAY us.

If the SOFTWARE you’re about to install doesn’t work for some reason, please call the number on the bottom of your shoe. If that doesn’t work, then go to our WEBSITE, which is called “ Good luck with that!

After UPLOADING, you’ll see our annoying advertising logo blocking your screen every time you start up your computer. This logo is meaningless and takes about 5 minutes to get rid of each day. Your computer will also develop a VIRUS after uploading, but that’s your PROBLEM and don’t whine to us about it.

RESTRICTIONS: Don’t go outside.

Thanks for shopping at BOOPSIE.COM, fool.

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You May Be Poor—But You’re Not Rich

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Google images:

Here are 40 ways to save money when you’re poor:

  1. Make your own Band-Aids out of toilet tissue and scotch-tape.
  2. Repurpose plastic zip-lock bags as rain bonnets.
  3. Make clothes out of sheets and old tarps.
  4. Don’t wear socks with dress shoes. Paint your ankles black instead.
  5. Recycle earplugs and napkins.
  6. Use old banana peels to wax your car.
  7. Don’t go anywhere.
  8. File your nails with a toothbrush or pruning shears.
  9. Sell all things.
  10. Cut your own hair with a clipper, mirror, and blowtorch.
  11. Collect and wash the used plastic sporks that are discarded at your workplace cafeteria.
  12. Grow your own shish kabobs.
  13. On your cereal, use water in place of milk.
  14. Walk wherever you can instead of taking an airplane.
  15. To avoid waste, lick the salt from the insides of empty potato-chip bags.
  16. Move to a climate that is less expensive, such as Death Valley or Greenland.
  17. Scrape off and reuse the soap scum from the inside of your bathtub.
  18. Buy and plant powdered trees.
  19. To maximize productive awake time, stop blinking.
  20. Wash your clothes with magnets in a blender.
  21. When eating oranges, eat the peels, too.
  22. When eating shrimp, eat the crunchy tails, too.
  23. When eating peanuts, eat the shells, too.
  24. Eat brown paper bags.
  25. With colored markers, draw a decorative chair rail around your dining room wall rather than installing a real one with wood, glue, nails, and other complicated and expensive hardware stuff.
  26. Make your children pay for complaints. In times of special need, expand the collection pool to your spouse.
  27. Rather than buying and planting shrubbery, prop your artificial Christmas tree in your front yard during the off-season.
  28. Use ear wax for nail polish.
  29. Buy everything for free.
  30. Use dead leaves as table decorations.
  31. Chew a pencil eraser instead of gum.
  32. Garbage pick.
  33. Use paper clips for tooth braces.
  34. Water down mustard, ketchup, and buns.
  35. Scrape together and attempt to re-pop your unpopped popcorn.
  36. If your nose won’t stop running, conserve tissues by sticking one up both nostrils and walk around the house all day with it hanging there.
  37. Don’t eat anything.
  38. Collect extra salt, pepper, and sugar packets from various fast-food joints, and pass them out to kids at Halloween.
  39. Use candle wax as deodorant.
  40. Spank your children with a flyswatter as a twofer.

Using these methods, I’ve saved almost $64.00 since the last National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day.

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It’s My Highway

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“Why’d you go this way?” I asked my wife from the passenger seat.

“Well, it’s because…” she began.

“This way is longer,” I said.

“Yes, but…”

“Plus there are more lights. I’ve counted.”

“Well, the thing is…” she said.

“And you have to drive through all these little winding roads so you have to brake more often. That takes more time,” I told her.

“I agree with you, but…” she began.

“And besides, it’s worse on the brakes. We’re going to need new brakes this year probably, so I don’t know why you went this way. I think you should have gone the other way. It’s faster, and we’re late. We could have gotten there sooner if you’d just taken the highway.”

“Blair, I…”

“You always do this. You always take the longest wrong way,” I said. “The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. And there are only four lights on the highway, and this way there are probably at least six. Let’s see. There’s one at Krumpitt Street, there’s another one at the bakery. And that’s a long one! Oh yeah, and there are several stop signs, too. In fact, look out! This is a four-way! Let that guy go first. He was here first.”

“I will, Blair. I know,” she said.

“Go! Go, buddy!” I shouted at the other car while waving my hand. “I can’t believe this. We’re going to be really late.”

“Blair, I’ve been trying to tell you that the highway bridge is out, so that’s why I came this way,” said my wife.

“Oh,” I said.

We rode along in silence for a moment. But only for a moment.

“Why don’t you use your turn signal?” I asked. “Brake, brake, brake! There’s a car on your left. Do you see it? You’re going too fast on this hill. You’re going too slow in front of this guy. He wants to pass. Your seat’s too far forward. I don’t like this radio station. You’re going to get us lost.”

“Yes, Blair,” said my wife. “Everything will be fine.”

“Plus I have to go to the bathroom,” I said.

“It’s too bad you didn’t think of that earlier.”

“Well I can hold it a little while. Pull up a little bit. Slow down, you’re too close to that guy. Watch the curb! Look out for the furniture truck!”

“Blair, I love and respect you, and I want to remind you that I’ve been driving for many years without incident, whereas you’ve had four fender benders since Tuesday. We’ll get there safely and on time. Just take a deep breath and relax.”

My wife. Always picking on me.

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