Okay. New year. Lose weight. It’s not that I’m obese. I prefer to describe myself as fat. Thus I bought a weight-loss program so I could exercise in the privacy of my home without exhibiting my girth in public.
I popped in the DVD. Billy Betterthanu, in leotards, introduced himself and began the routine:
“Lift your leg and put your shin on your knee. Stand up. Lift your knee. Bring it to your chest. Stretch out your leg. Shift your hips. Put your foot on the seat of your chair. Pluck your hamstrings.
“Bend the left leg you’re standing on. Rotate your knee. Now jump back. Extend your tailbone. Move your glutamate to the right. Kick backward. Kick your cat with your kneecap on.
“Hold up the wall. Drop your dead weight and touch the floor with your thigh. Pull back your quadriceps with two fingers. Drop your weight forward without hitting your face. Feel a pull. Feel a push. Feel a hernia. Release tension. Increase tension. Stand and rotate all your joints at once like marionette hanging from a ceiling fan.”
Billy was going too fast for me. I tried lifting my leg and quickly put it down again, because it hurt.
“Change legs. Change feet. Change pants. Experience upper body pain. Cry. Deny. Throw out the trash. Now tense all your muscles while staying totally relaxed. Get blood circulating into the muscles. Now stop the blood flowing in the muscles.
“Lift up your abs above your wrists. Bark like a chicken. Pull your elbows toward your eyes. Drop your arms. Gently pull one arm back. Now snap your arm like a slingshot. Dislocate your rotator cuff. Drop your arms again. Now reach down and pick up your arms.
“Inhale. Check your pulse. Give yourself mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Hit yourself in the face with your forearm. Round your back. Square your back. Triangle your back. Tuck in your ears.”
I was becoming really tired watching Billy, so I sat down and poured myself a Mountain Dew.
“Twist your nose to the side. Release the tension in your sinuses. Constrict your arches. Reach straight up. Higher. Higher. Rotate your Adam’s apple. Feel the scorch. Bend both legs around your neck and hold. One… two… three. Now do the same thing all over again while holding a pebble in your mouth.”
Billy went on and on and on. I leaned back in my recliner and fell asleep.
When the video was over I woke up and ate several donuts.