Monthly Archives: March 2016

Unemployment-O-Rama

Google images: theemployable.com

Google images: theemployable.com

It is fun to be unemployed. An entire world of possibilities opens to a jobless person. Imagine the fanciful daydreams you’ll conceive and the novel experiences you’ll suffer!

Open your email inbox for instance. Suddenly your fantasies run helter-skelter as you consider all the berserk opportunities that await you and your miserable life. Here, for example, are some of the employment emails I received this week:

  1. Answering Service: Answer the phone in the complaint department of Insults-R-Us.
  2. Airline Baggage Loser: Lose bags and suitcases for travelers and airline employees.
  3. Zero Experience Associate: After gaining experience, we will fire you in favor of a negative experience associate.
  4. Meter Reader: Read meters that are written in Greek. If you don’t understand Greek, you can read meters in Urdu.
  5. Warehouse Unloader: Must be able to lift warehouses weighing many thousands of tons.

    Google images: giphy.com

    Google images: giphy.com

  6. Early-Morning Postal Worker: To ensure prompt arrival at job, employee must sleep on chain link fence.
  7. Greeter: Crabby personality a plus.
  8. Librarian Trainee: Organize, categorize, and reshelve books in a caboose.
  9. No Experience Worker: Only the lazy, incapacitated, or dead need apply. Our motto: “The Deader the Better.”
  10. Food Service Representative: Defend bananas against those who say fruit pulp makes you fat.
  11. Document Specialist: Listen to stacks of paper with a stethoscope.
  12. Appeals and Denial Manager: Deny appeals and appeal denials. Argumentative and irascible personality preferred.
  13. Part Time Packer: Pack your bags while working, because you will soon be sent packing.
  14. Coffee Maker: Heat-tolerant applicants only, with a capacity for grounds.
  15. Order Puller: Occasional need for order pushing. Or tooth pulling. Or tooth pushing. Whatever. Don’t bother applying. We don’t want you.
  16. Material Handler: Handle material.
  17. Night Selector: Join the illustrious list of former employees, including lyricist George Benson (“Give Me the Night”).

Wasn’t that fun? Now prop yourself up in bed and find the clicker, because your afternoon game show is on.

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Filed under Communication, Education, Family, Fun, Growing old, Happy to help, Humor, Interpersonal conflicts, Job search, Life challenges, Oops, Relationships, Technology, Time, Time management, Trust, Unemployment, You're not alone!

This Is Not My Dad!

Google images: livinghealthyonline.wordpress.com

Google images: livinghealthyonline.wordpress.com

Little Biffy was sitting in the shopping cart one day while I selected groceries from the shelves. He was contentedly playing with his Taser when he looked up at me. I’m not sure if a demon entered him or if his nascent sense of humor was blossoming, but he suddenly screamed out:

“You’re not my Dad!”

I was shocked and dumbfounded. My mouth hung open and my eyes bulged, because I am his Dad.

Biff looked to the right and the left. “He’s not my Dad!” he screamed. “He’s an imposter!”

“What?” I hissed. “Biffy, what are you talking about? This is not a good joke! We’re in a supermarket!” I grabbed his little chin to emphasize his need to hush.

The woman by the breadcrumbs turned. Her brows furrowed and she squinted grimly at me. I looked at her, trying to appear innocent.

“He’s starving me!” Biff continued. “He won’t feed me any nourishment!”

The woman started searching her purse for her cell phone.

“Biff! Just because I told you that you can’t have another chocolate quarter-pounder doesn’t mean I’m starving you! You just ate two bags of caramel corn in the car!”

Biff started pounding his little fists and kicking his feet against the wire cart.

“Don’t crush the egg noodles!” I shouted.

By that time a crowd had gathered. Over the loudspeaker I heard, “Security to fruit juices for an incident…”

Biff had put me in an uncomfortable predicament from which I could not easily extricate myself. Next to Biff’s ear, I whispered through gritted teeth, “Tell these nice people I’m your Dad, or you’ll never get to watch Halloween 5 again!”

Biff laughed. “Just kidding,” he told the crowd. “He really is my dad. I just enjoy seeing him sweat!”

Yes, Biff’s sense of humor began to flourish that day in the supermarket aisle. When he turned thirteen, I made him join the circus.

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Filed under Children, Communication, Education, Family, Fun, Growing old, Happy to help, Humor, Interpersonal conflicts, Life challenges, Oops, Parenting, Relationships, Trust, You're not alone!