It is fun to be unemployed. An entire world of possibilities opens to a jobless person. Imagine the fanciful daydreams you’ll conceive and the novel experiences you’ll suffer!
Open your email inbox for instance. Suddenly your fantasies run helter-skelter as you consider all the berserk opportunities that await you and your miserable life. Here, for example, are some of the employment emails I received this week:
- Answering Service: Answer the phone in the complaint department of Insults-R-Us.
- Airline Baggage Loser: Lose bags and suitcases for travelers and airline employees.
- Zero Experience Associate: After gaining experience, we will fire you in favor of a negative experience associate.
- Meter Reader: Read meters that are written in Greek. If you don’t understand Greek, you can read meters in Urdu.
- Warehouse Unloader: Must be able to lift warehouses weighing many thousands of tons.
- Early-Morning Postal Worker: To ensure prompt arrival at job, employee must sleep on chain link fence.
- Greeter: Crabby personality a plus.
- Librarian Trainee: Organize, categorize, and reshelve books in a caboose.
- No Experience Worker: Only the lazy, incapacitated, or dead need apply. Our motto: “The Deader the Better.”
- Food Service Representative: Defend bananas against those who say fruit pulp makes you fat.
- Document Specialist: Listen to stacks of paper with a stethoscope.
- Appeals and Denial Manager: Deny appeals and appeal denials. Argumentative and irascible personality preferred.
- Part Time Packer: Pack your bags while working, because you will soon be sent packing.
- Coffee Maker: Heat-tolerant applicants only, with a capacity for grounds.
- Order Puller: Occasional need for order pushing. Or tooth pulling. Or tooth pushing. Whatever. Don’t bother applying. We don’t want you.
- Material Handler: Handle material.
- Night Selector: Join the illustrious list of former employees, including lyricist George Benson (“Give Me the Night”).
Wasn’t that fun? Now prop yourself up in bed and find the clicker, because your afternoon game show is on.