Category Archives: Exercise

What You Doin’ in the Bathroom?

Google images: dreamstime.com

Google images: dreamstime.com

My wife is always late. But sometimes the slipper is on the other shoe, and she was banging on the bathroom door last Tuesday for me to hurry up.

“What are you doing in there?” she asked. “We have to meet Millie and Bob at the popsicle festival now!”

“Well,” I haven’t primped for a day and a half,” I said, “and things are already getting out of control in here.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? The waffle-cone rodeo starts in fifteen minutes!”

“Okay, okay!” I cried. “My routine is kind of private. Must you stand right outside the door listening?”

“I’d be interested in hearing what your finicky grooming procedure actually is,” I heard her mutter as she walked away from the bathroom door.

Okay. I’ll admit it. It takes me longer than it used to to go out in public.

To get ready, I have to scrape my earwax with a key.

I have to shave my ear lobes and drums.

I have to insert my tooth plate.

I have to cover my tooth plate with a plastic white tooth-covering protective and decorative drape, which I bought from an infomercial for just $19.95. And after having called the informercial’s toll-free number, I received a second protective tooth tarp for free except for having to pay for shipping.

I have to rub wet coffee grounds into my goatee to eliminate the grey.

I have to dust and paste my eyebrows.

I have tamp my nasal hair.

I have to rub coconut oil on my elbow.

I have to tape the skin tag under my arm.

Finally I was ready to go. My wife was waiting in the car, beeping occasionally.

We were halfway down the street when I gasped in alarm. “We have to go back! I forgot my three-pronged photographic selfie crane!”

We finally met up with Bob and Millie. “Sorry we’re late,” I told Bob. “The wife overslept.”

 

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Exercise? Me? Really?

Google images: telegraph.co.uk

Google images: telegraph.co.uk

Okay. New year. Lose weight. It’s not that I’m obese. I prefer to describe myself as fat. Thus I bought a weight-loss program so I could exercise in the privacy of my home without exhibiting my girth in public.

I popped in the DVD. Billy Betterthanu, in leotards, introduced himself and began the routine:

“Lift your leg and put your shin on your knee. Stand up. Lift your knee. Bring it to your chest. Stretch out your leg. Shift your hips. Put your foot on the seat of your chair. Pluck your hamstrings.

“Bend the left leg you’re standing on. Rotate your knee. Now jump back. Extend your tailbone. Move your glutamate to the right. Kick backward. Kick your cat with your kneecap on.

“Hold up the wall. Drop your dead weight and touch the floor with your thigh. Pull back your quadriceps with two fingers. Drop your weight forward without hitting your face. Feel a pull. Feel a push. Feel a hernia. Release tension. Increase tension. Stand and rotate all your joints at once like marionette hanging from a ceiling fan.”

Billy was going too fast for me. I tried lifting my leg and quickly put it down again, because it hurt.

“Change legs. Change feet. Change pants. Experience upper body pain. Cry. Deny. Throw out the trash. Now tense all your muscles while staying totally relaxed. Get blood circulating into the muscles. Now stop the blood flowing in the muscles.

“Lift up your abs above your wrists. Bark like a chicken. Pull your elbows toward your eyes. Drop your arms. Gently pull one arm back. Now snap your arm like a slingshot. Dislocate your rotator cuff. Drop your arms again. Now reach down and pick up your arms.

“Inhale. Check your pulse. Give yourself mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Hit yourself in the face with your forearm. Round your back. Square your back. Triangle your back. Tuck in your ears.”

I was becoming really tired watching Billy, so I sat down and poured myself a Mountain Dew.

“Twist your nose to the side. Release the tension in your sinuses. Constrict your arches. Reach straight up. Higher. Higher. Rotate your Adam’s apple. Feel the scorch. Bend both legs around your neck and hold. One… two… three. Now do the same thing all over again while holding a pebble in your mouth.”

Billy went on and on and on. I leaned back in my recliner and fell asleep.

When the video was over I woke up and ate several donuts.

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