Category Archives: Job search


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It is fun to be unemployed. An entire world of possibilities opens to a jobless person. Imagine the fanciful daydreams you’ll conceive and the novel experiences you’ll suffer!

Open your email inbox for instance. Suddenly your fantasies run helter-skelter as you consider all the berserk opportunities that await you and your miserable life. Here, for example, are some of the employment emails I received this week:

  1. Answering Service: Answer the phone in the complaint department of Insults-R-Us.
  2. Airline Baggage Loser: Lose bags and suitcases for travelers and airline employees.
  3. Zero Experience Associate: After gaining experience, we will fire you in favor of a negative experience associate.
  4. Meter Reader: Read meters that are written in Greek. If you don’t understand Greek, you can read meters in Urdu.
  5. Warehouse Unloader: Must be able to lift warehouses weighing many thousands of tons.

    Google images:

    Google images:

  6. Early-Morning Postal Worker: To ensure prompt arrival at job, employee must sleep on chain link fence.
  7. Greeter: Crabby personality a plus.
  8. Librarian Trainee: Organize, categorize, and reshelve books in a caboose.
  9. No Experience Worker: Only the lazy, incapacitated, or dead need apply. Our motto: “The Deader the Better.”
  10. Food Service Representative: Defend bananas against those who say fruit pulp makes you fat.
  11. Document Specialist: Listen to stacks of paper with a stethoscope.
  12. Appeals and Denial Manager: Deny appeals and appeal denials. Argumentative and irascible personality preferred.
  13. Part Time Packer: Pack your bags while working, because you will soon be sent packing.
  14. Coffee Maker: Heat-tolerant applicants only, with a capacity for grounds.
  15. Order Puller: Occasional need for order pushing. Or tooth pulling. Or tooth pushing. Whatever. Don’t bother applying. We don’t want you.
  16. Material Handler: Handle material.
  17. Night Selector: Join the illustrious list of former employees, including lyricist George Benson (“Give Me the Night”).

Wasn’t that fun? Now prop yourself up in bed and find the clicker, because your afternoon game show is on.


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Rear Balcony

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Google images:

I twisted my pinkie toenail so I took a week off from work, during which time I sat on our balcony overlooking the parking lot that extends between the buildings of our apartment complex.

My foot comfortably cushioned on a chair, and my iced tea at hand, I thought, Ah, finally some time to relax.

I leaned back and looked past the porch railing through half-closed eyes. As I sat, however, I found it increasingly difficult to rest.

I didn’t intend to be a nosy neighbor, but the longer I sat there, the more I wondered about the people coming and going beneath our balcony.

The people seem normal enough, I thought. Or do they? I readjusted my posture and picked up my periscope.

Why is that woman wearing a hat? It’s warm today. Does she actually have hair? Is there even a head under her hat? Or is her head plastic? Maybe her whole self is plastic and she’s a machine that can do the work of a person and is controlled by a computer!

The woman found her keys in her pocketbook and went into her apartment.

It was quiet again. I sat and watched. A car passed by. A black one. The mob uses black cars, I thought. Tinted glass on the windows, too. The mobI think the mafia lives here in this complex!

The car disappeared around the corner.

More time passed. A birdie swooped and landed on the roof across from me. In the lot below, a blue jay perched on the “Perambulatorily Challenged” parking sign.

A pizza delivery boy drove up and got out of his car. He carried his insulated vinyl tote to the second door on the left. He rang the bell, and the door opened. I observed the exchange.

Why are those people always ordering pizzas? I thought. And what do they do with the boxes? Are they collecting boxes to create a nuclear arsenal? And what if there are there illegal drugs in the pizza boxes? How much do they tip these guys anyway? Is it too much? What the heck is going on here in our very own apartment complex! It’s not even lunchtime!

As I sat, additional questions flooded my mind.

Why does that tall guy wash his car in the parking lot every day?

Who’s that fat guy walking by with the sawed-off T-shirt?

Who’s that smoking geezer in the dog park?

Does the owner of that car even live here?

Why does that kid’s mother let him sip soda from a cup that’s almost one-fifth his size?

The breeze, the hum of air conditioners, the flutter of dried leaves blowing across the pavement.

At the end of the week I called my boss again. “My toenail’s healed, but I’ll need another week off,” I said. “I don’t have enough time on my hands.”

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My Resume

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Google images:


I am interested in furthering, and would also like to make the effort to continue furthering, my exceptional skills in people-oriented management and manufacturing of products and other related production and management of projects, et cetera.

Work Profile:

I have done many things and have had many various differing experiences, including lots of things that are considered working jobs. And as far as jobs that relate to finding a job at your particular business, well, I have had some of those experiences, too! For example, I have worked many times. In fact, if you asked me how many days of the year I have worked, I would say most!

Experience and Other:

Hasty Wheels Taxi Company (July 5-July 26):

Drove taxicabs around in Boston for customers and people who wanted a ride who either called ahead or just got into the cab off the street. This was a very interesting and good experience in many ways. I learned a lot at this job, for example, where some of the roads were and where the big hospital was.

Reason for Leaving: I got very sweaty, especially when customers got in, and the streets in Boston are many times one-way and were designed by cows.

Succalot Vacuum Cleaner Company (August 12-August 14):

Took vacuum cleaner parts, plus entire vacuum cleaners, in my car to visit people and try to sell them vacuum cleaners.

Reason for Leaving: Didn’t work out.

Paco’s Polish Baklava Restaurant (September 9-December 6):

Acted as busboy during which time I performed many unusual and some usual busboy duties, such as bussing tables, which means taking away dirty dishes. Also filled water cups and glasses for customers at their tables using a water pitcher that was often quite heavy. Brought people clean forks when they dropped theirs. Also did some other things as required, such as scraping peoples’ bones into bus pans. Once I hooked a syrup canister to the soda dispenser as a special favor to the restaurant owner.

Reason for Leaving: The boss wanted me to stand outside the store dressed as a knish and I twisted my ankle.


John’s Bartending Course (January 12-January 16):

Learned how to make many drinks, such as gimlets and mimosas. Learned that gimlets are the same as martinis except that instead of an olive you put in one of those tiny cocktail onions. Learned the names of many other drinks, too, even though I did not learn how to make them, such as Long Island Iced Teas, and others.

Reason for Leaving: I graduated with a certification of bartending skills and abilities, and I paid good money for this diploma, although I forget how much it cost at the moment.


Joe Bunda: Long-time friend and garbage worker.

Lucy Lonzole: Former supervisor at Patty Cakes Financial Services.

Hobart Jones: Personal accomplice.

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