Category Archives: social media

What You Doin’ in the Bathroom?

Google images: dreamstime.com

Google images: dreamstime.com

My wife is always late. But sometimes the slipper is on the other shoe, and she was banging on the bathroom door last Tuesday for me to hurry up.

“What are you doing in there?” she asked. “We have to meet Millie and Bob at the popsicle festival now!”

“Well,” I haven’t primped for a day and a half,” I said, “and things are already getting out of control in here.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? The waffle-cone rodeo starts in fifteen minutes!”

“Okay, okay!” I cried. “My routine is kind of private. Must you stand right outside the door listening?”

“I’d be interested in hearing what your finicky grooming procedure actually is,” I heard her mutter as she walked away from the bathroom door.

Okay. I’ll admit it. It takes me longer than it used to to go out in public.

To get ready, I have to scrape my earwax with a key.

I have to shave my ear lobes and drums.

I have to insert my tooth plate.

I have to cover my tooth plate with a plastic white tooth-covering protective and decorative drape, which I bought from an infomercial for just $19.95. And after having called the informercial’s toll-free number, I received a second protective tooth tarp for free except for having to pay for shipping.

I have to rub wet coffee grounds into my goatee to eliminate the grey.

I have to dust and paste my eyebrows.

I have tamp my nasal hair.

I have to rub coconut oil on my elbow.

I have to tape the skin tag under my arm.

Finally I was ready to go. My wife was waiting in the car, beeping occasionally.

We were halfway down the street when I gasped in alarm. “We have to go back! I forgot my three-pronged photographic selfie crane!”

We finally met up with Bob and Millie. “Sorry we’re late,” I told Bob. “The wife overslept.”

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Communication, Exercise, Family, Fun, Growing old, Happy to help, Humor, Interpersonal conflicts, Life challenges, Marriage, Oops, Relationships, social media, Time, Time management, Travel, Trust, You're not alone!

Why Do Others Know More about Me than I Do?

Google images: christianfunnypictures.com

Google images: christianfunnypictures.com

“Hi Blair!”

“Hi Ed,” I said as I walked through the door of the church.

“Hey, I heard that you have psoriasis on your armpit. How is that working out for you?”

“Ed,” I said. “How do you know I have psoriasis? That’s rather private and heartbreaking!”

“It’s not so private, Blair. Someone posted it on social media!”

Before I reached the sanctuary, two other people had asked about my psoriasis, one person congratulated me on the anniversary of my first prom, and another offered sympathy for my nail fungus.

I tried to forget about my life on Faceslap and the resulting lack of privacy. I settled into the pew and listened to the pastor preach. After he was finished, he said, “We have several prayer requests this week, including the asthma of Martine’s Uncle Joe and the hemorrhoids of Blair Woodcock.”

Time froze. Everyone’s heads swiveled in slow motion as their languid eyes fixed themselves on me. The blood rushed to my face and I couldn’t breath under a hot crashing wave of embarrassment. My mouth went dry. I wanted to melt away into my seat. I would have squirmed, but I was afraid squirming would appear as if I were contending with an itchy symptom.

After the service, church elder Mabel Glutz approached me. “I just so happened to have some Preparation H in my satchel!” she announced gleefully. As I slunk out the door, I heard a few other voices offering me doctor recommendations and home remedies.

I’d go to another church, but social media are interdenominational. I heard there’s a good church service on TV… I might try that next time.

Meanwhile, I need to log on to Chirper to tell my followers about my neighbor’s gastric bypass debacle.

1 Comment

Filed under Communication, Family, Friendship, Fun, Growing old, Happy to help, Humor, Interpersonal conflicts, Life challenges, Oops, Relationships, social media, Technology, Time, Trust, You're not alone!