Tag Archives: directions


Google images: gonzosabroad-blogspot-com

Google images: gonzosabroad-blogspot-com

The overly pleasant voice of my GPS said: “In 400 feet… turn right…”

I drove obediently to the corner of Blinker Street and Hive. After looking carefully both ways, I turned right.

Next GPS instruction: “In 400 feet… turn right…”

At the corner I stopped, and then I turned right again.

Again I heard: “In 400 feet… turn right…”

Hmm, that’s odd, I thought. Another right turn. At the next corner I turned right.

Then: “In 400 feet… turn right…”

Something smells really weird here, I thought. I should be getting nearer to Bob’s Toilet Parts, but the GPS just took me around the block.

Unsure of what to do, I turned right.

“In 400 feet… turn right…”

This is becoming ridiculous. I thought. I hit the “Nav” button. The radio came on. I pushed the “Dest” button. The wipers started. I pushed the “Map” button. I saw a map. But I couldn’t understand it.

I turned right.

“In 400 feet… turn right…”

Whoa! I exclaimed to myself. I almost missed that last right turn! Where in the world is my destination anyway? It must be around here somewhere.

For a moment I forgot where I was going. Then I remembered I needed a new flusher lever, ballcock nut, and universal rundle number 503. Ah yes, the toilet store.

“In 400 feet… turn right…”

“Okay,” I told my car. Compliantly, I turned right.

This went on for a while. Then I realized that I was in the wrong town. I parked the car and went to a bar.


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It’s My Highway

Google images: photos.hamariweb.com

Google images: photos.hamariweb.com

“Why’d you go this way?” I asked my wife from the passenger seat.

“Well, it’s because…” she began.

“This way is longer,” I said.

“Yes, but…”

“Plus there are more lights. I’ve counted.”

“Well, the thing is…” she said.

“And you have to drive through all these little winding roads so you have to brake more often. That takes more time,” I told her.

“I agree with you, but…” she began.

“And besides, it’s worse on the brakes. We’re going to need new brakes this year probably, so I don’t know why you went this way. I think you should have gone the other way. It’s faster, and we’re late. We could have gotten there sooner if you’d just taken the highway.”

“Blair, I…”

“You always do this. You always take the longest wrong way,” I said. “The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. And there are only four lights on the highway, and this way there are probably at least six. Let’s see. There’s one at Krumpitt Street, there’s another one at the bakery. And that’s a long one! Oh yeah, and there are several stop signs, too. In fact, look out! This is a four-way! Let that guy go first. He was here first.”

“I will, Blair. I know,” she said.

“Go! Go, buddy!” I shouted at the other car while waving my hand. “I can’t believe this. We’re going to be really late.”

“Blair, I’ve been trying to tell you that the highway bridge is out, so that’s why I came this way,” said my wife.

“Oh,” I said.

We rode along in silence for a moment. But only for a moment.

“Why don’t you use your turn signal?” I asked. “Brake, brake, brake! There’s a car on your left. Do you see it? You’re going too fast on this hill. You’re going too slow in front of this guy. He wants to pass. Your seat’s too far forward. I don’t like this radio station. You’re going to get us lost.”

“Yes, Blair,” said my wife. “Everything will be fine.”

“Plus I have to go to the bathroom,” I said.

“It’s too bad you didn’t think of that earlier.”

“Well I can hold it a little while. Pull up a little bit. Slow down, you’re too close to that guy. Watch the curb! Look out for the furniture truck!”

“Blair, I love and respect you, and I want to remind you that I’ve been driving for many years without incident, whereas you’ve had four fender benders since Tuesday. We’ll get there safely and on time. Just take a deep breath and relax.”

My wife. Always picking on me.

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