Tag Archives: driving

GPS PMS

Google images: gonzosabroad-blogspot-com

Google images: gonzosabroad-blogspot-com

The overly pleasant voice of my GPS said: “In 400 feet… turn right…”

I drove obediently to the corner of Blinker Street and Hive. After looking carefully both ways, I turned right.

Next GPS instruction: “In 400 feet… turn right…”

At the corner I stopped, and then I turned right again.

Again I heard: “In 400 feet… turn right…”

Hmm, that’s odd, I thought. Another right turn. At the next corner I turned right.

Then: “In 400 feet… turn right…”

Something smells really weird here, I thought. I should be getting nearer to Bob’s Toilet Parts, but the GPS just took me around the block.

Unsure of what to do, I turned right.

“In 400 feet… turn right…”

This is becoming ridiculous. I thought. I hit the “Nav” button. The radio came on. I pushed the “Dest” button. The wipers started. I pushed the “Map” button. I saw a map. But I couldn’t understand it.

I turned right.

“In 400 feet… turn right…”

Whoa! I exclaimed to myself. I almost missed that last right turn! Where in the world is my destination anyway? It must be around here somewhere.

For a moment I forgot where I was going. Then I remembered I needed a new flusher lever, ballcock nut, and universal rundle number 503. Ah yes, the toilet store.

“In 400 feet… turn right…”

“Okay,” I told my car. Compliantly, I turned right.

This went on for a while. Then I realized that I was in the wrong town. I parked the car and went to a bar.

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Crashing into Houses

Google images: carcrashtester.blogspot.comI had some heavy furniture to move from my house, so I rented a truck. The rental company offered a special deal on a 26-footer for the same price as a 7-footer, so I took the big truck rather than the smaller one. I picked it up last Friday.

Hey, I’ve driven heavy vehicles before. I’m not a novice. When I was a teenager I drove a tractor to cut my dad’s grass. And his property had some steep hills. Driving this truck should be no problem, I thought.

And it wasn’t. As I drove toward home I began to feel even more confident. Switching lanes using only the side mirrors wasn’t as difficult as I’d imagined. After driving several miles I was feeling such assurance that I decided to risk pulling off at an exit to buy a bag of pretzels at the Bargain Carb Outlet.

The parking lot was easy. I just parked into two head-to-head spaces and pulled out frontward when I left. The only minor problem occurred when I hit a speed bump too fast and my head smacked the roof.

Oh, I thought, rubbing my pate. I better slow down over the speed bumps.

And when I turned a corner, I bounced over the curb and hit my head on the window.

Oh, I thought, holding my temple. I better make wider turns around corners.

Other than that, I was having no worries.

Until I arrived home.

No one was home. The furniture I needed to load into the truck was in the garage, and I needed to back the truck up to the garage door. Shoving aside any remaining insecurities, I thought, who needs a flagman? I can do this. After all, I have these handy side mirrors!

I looked carefully at the driveway. No vehicles there. No vehicles in the street either. No overhanging tree branches. No other obstructions or impediments that I could see. I pulled the truck forward warily, put it in reverse, and started backing slowly. I cautiously made a wide turn, eyeing the neighbor’s mailbox. I looked back and forth repeatedly to ensure I was lined up accurately. So far so good… Moving back… Back… Almost completely in the driveway now… A little further and…

SMASH!

“What the heck was that!” I screamed. I jumped out of the cab and ran around the truck. I saw that I had backed into my house. The gutter above my garage was crushed and hanging pathetically from the eaves.

Oops. I thought.

I moved the truck forward a bit and went to sit dejectedly on the front stoop. After several minutes I sighed and thought, Oh wellGutters are only necessary when it rains.

In the distance I heard thunder.

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